Transcript is for both parts:

Phil Waldrep: Well, Stephanie, thank you so much for joining us today on Living with Joy.

Stephanie Huffman: It is my pleasure to be here.

Phil Waldrep: Well there is so much we’re going to talk about and I really don’t know where to begin. So we’re going to dive right in. I just shared with our audience that you are a single girl and you have a heart for singles, people who have never been married in particular. But we want to talk about a little bit of all of that today. In fact, you wrote a wonderful book. We’ll reference it several times that is really a delight. It’s entitled When You Grow Up and Get Single. Now I have to begin – where did you get that title?

Stephanie Huffman: Well, from the time we’re young, we hear the words, “When you grow up and get married –” but for some of us, that scenario didn’t quite play out as planned. And I woke up one day, 40, never been married and I thought, “I am the only one in America. There is no one else out there like me.” So I want to bring the message that if you’re out there and you’re single – guy or gal – you are not alone. And I did some statistics that I’m going to be sharing with you just to prove that point.

Phil Waldrep: Well, prove that point to us. Because I think a lot of people who are married sometimes think that singles are an oddity. If I would use that word, or maybe they think that there’s not as many singles as we think there are. So share with us some of that research that you’ve done that prove there are more singles. Because I personally was a little taken aback when you shared this with me earlier.

Stephanie Huffman: Oh great, I would love to. Yes. And I don’t want the married folks in your audience to feel bad about the fact that they had those thoughts. It’s true. When a single walks into the room that’s probably my age, never been married, you have to wonder what’s wrong with them? Something’s wrong. What happened? You just go there.

And that’s okay. But I think the statistics are going to bring about a change of mind and bring a common ground to those two camps, single, not married and generate some discussion. I did some homework on my own, because I did – I thought I was a freak of nature and I was the only one out there. And I got into some Census Bureau data. And did you know there’s about let’s say 308 to 330 million Americans at this time. Of those, 95.9 million are single over the age of 18.

Phil Waldrep: Almost one out of three.

Stephanie Huffman: Almost one out of three Americans are single. Now get this. That means 43 percent of American adults are single. 43 percent. And of that 43 percent pool, 53 percent are women. So now go with me here. 53 percent are women. There’s more women than men. Back at 2006, the Census Bureau showed for every 100 women there were 86 men.

So when a female begins her day, she wakes up with a male/female deficit to start off. So when that single walks through the door and the married person says, “Don’t you want to be married?” it’s like a dagger in the heart. She already has this situation. 100 women, 86 men.

Now break it down by homosexual/heterosexual. Then break it down by religious preference. Then break it down by age group. That’s a pretty small pool. And when that girl is standing there listening to that question she thinks, “How do I even begin to explain?”

Phil Waldrep: And so you sat down to write the book that encouraged singles but also to help married couples understand what really is the experience in the life of a single, particularly those who like you are in their 40s and never been married. And we want to talk about a lot of that today. But why did you really write the book? I kind of shared there what I perceived your purpose, but is that really your purpose you want to achieve?

Stephanie Huffman: Well let me tell you – back in ’06, I woke up and thought, “I am the only single woman in America my age.” And I thought of one other gal that was my age, never been married, Christian. And then I thought of a second gal and a third and fourth and fifth. And I thought, “We’re going to do a coffee klatch. We’re going to get these gals together because they’ve all got to be feeling the same thing I do.” Same age, same situation, same beliefs and core values.

So we’d get together for coffee once a month. Girls are busy, shouldn’t feel like this an obligation. But we were all girls navigating the solo waters of life. Why not do it together? Why not share that journey? So sometimes the person sitting across from you can have the very contact you need in their BlackBerry or their cell phone. And unless you get together, you don’t know that. Or how did she handle insurance? Or how did she handle that situation with her house or townhome or condo?

So getting together was kind of like the good old boys club for the good old girls. And one night after coming home from coffee, there had just been some amazing discussion. And I remember I probably got home 11:00 p.m., maybe midnight. And Phil, I wrote ‘til 2:00 a.m. I got back up and I sat at my bistro table in my kitchen and I wrote the entire next day. And I thought, “Well, rats. I’m writing a book.”

And I didn’t – who wants to grow up and write a book about being single? But I knew in my heart single gals need this. They A) need to know they’re not alone and B) they need to find each other. So I created a book that had chick’s chat questions at the end of each chapter. And I tell girls how to create a Chix Chat Club. And you can take the book and the questions to your meetings if you want. And we’ll get to more of that later, but that’s how it started.

Phil Waldrep: Well one of the questions that I wonder is do single people, particularly single girls, want to be married?

Stephanie Huffman: And that is the question. That’s the one that hurts. That’s where you go, “But wait. I already start my day at a deficit.” From a time a girl is little, how many times have you seen a little tiny tot put a towel on her head and pretend it’s a bridal veil and walk down the aisle? You don’t have to teach that to a female. Most – not all – most females start out that way. I remember – this – I’m a little odd, Phil. I started collecting napkin folding books and etiquette books and parenting books from the time I was wrong.

I remember even at the age of eleven or thirteen, I think, collecting books that would home school teach my children. And I didn’t even know what home schooling was. So that shows you there’s something in a girl that helps her collect recipes and cookbooks and linens and have that hope chest. You don’t have to teach that to a female. It’s in her.

Phil Waldrep: So in their heart, they really start out hoping someday maybe to be married. And then sometimes life takes a detour in some ways and either by their own decision or career, they postpone marriage. Or just something happens in their life. But I say that and yet it seems like I’m saying what many married couples say. There’s something wrong.

Stephanie Huffman: That’s right. Because –

Phil Waldrep: And so I want you to address that. Because I really phrased that question that way. So that’s probably what many married couples are thinking.

Stephanie Huffman: Sure.

Phil Waldrep: So when we see someone who’s not married, let’s kind of deal with that myth for a moment, that there’s not really all the way something wrong.

Stephanie Huffman: That’s right. Most of the girls in my Chix Chat Club that have never been married have never even had a proposal. Remember the stats. If we could get folks out there to remember the stats, there are more women than men. Then break it down homosexual, heterosexual. Then break it down spiritual preference. Then break it down age group.

Girls are not swimming in a pool of men for them to choose from. Girls many times find themselves in this situation, and they never planned for it. We planned to grow up and get married. No one in the church teaches you to grow up and get single. No one teaches you how to handle an apartment or buy a home or navigate a career or handle a promotion or sell or buy a home. We never planned to do that. We never thought about it. Because we really thought we were going to grow up and get married.

Phil Waldrep: How do you handle those comments?

Stephanie Huffman: I start with the stats now. I think it’s the only way to help people start to make a mind shift and to get the common ground and get the discussion started. I know people still to this day look at me and think there’s got to be something wrong with her. Well there is. I’m not really normal – I will admit I’m kind of wacky. But I think I have a lot of friends who are okay with that.

But the truth is, some girls too – and this was my situation – I did have the opportunity, fortunately, where I could have married a couple of times. But let me be honest with you, Phil. Girls in my generation, the majority of them grew up in broken homes. And they really made the commitment to I’m going to wait until I find someone who’s willing to go the long haul and battle it out together. I want to find that person that not only I want to wake up to for the rest of my life, but that can handle and fight for the long haul.

You and I both know I have girls come to me continually who were raised in Christian homes. And the husband left. Or I’ve met with men who the woman just left Christian homes. And it’s not new. I was listening to John Adams by David McCullough as I was driving up here. And I did not know President John Adams, and Abigail his wife, had a son who unfortunately was an alcoholic and left his wife and child. And he died a very unhappy death.

We tend to think it’s new. But sin is sin. And it causes us to make really bad choices sometimes. So a lot of these single girls think, “I’m just going to grow up and I’m going to get married. And I’m going to have this great life.” Not necessarily. A ring doesn’t promise you a happily ever after.

You and I were talking earlier where we were reminiscing about Jackie and Jack Kennedy. And we romanticized that marriage. But we forget Jack and Jackie were married only ten years and she was married to Onassis seven. And by the time she was 45, she was a widow twice. If the ring promises a happily ever after, something didn’t work there. Princess Di and Charles – that was a fairy tale turned nightmare.

Phil Waldrep: That’s amazing to me that it changes my perspective a little bit on singles as well. Well you talked a little bit about this sisterhood in your book. About girls in particular who are singles. And by the way, I want to say on behalf of all the guys, I think if the single guys who are listening and they realize this deficit pool, we have certainly encouraged the single men that are listening to us today. I’m sure if the deficit for women, but that kind of means a guy has a little bit of an advantage, I imagine.

Stephanie Huffman: This is his time.

Phil Waldrep: So that’s encouraging.

Stephanie Huffman: This is his time.

Phil Waldrep: But you talk about the importance of single women in particular getting together. And you started actually a club that now you’ve gone kind of public with that where people can come together who are Christian single women and talk about some of those issues. Tell us about that and how that came to be and how others can kind of join in with you on that club of single Christian women.

Stephanie Huffman: Yes. Yes. I actually started hearing from girls who live in places where they don’t have a lot of other single gals in their life circle. They’re spending time with sisters or friends who are married with kids, or married, or divorced with kids. And I had to say, “Do you have anyone in your circle like you?” “No, I don’t.” “Well, think hard.”

And I thought, “Well in the meantime, until they find like kinds to spend time with, I’m going to create an online environment and welcome them all here.” And if girls are online at Facebook, please join us at Chix Chat Club. It is invitation only, private online community for the savvy single gal. Weekly we send out recipes, fashion tips, career tips, financial tips, Wall Street Journal articles, statistics, holiday tips, relationships, dating. And the girls can have private online discussion about these topics right there at the Chix Chat Club.

And then to get the word out about it, I created an entire Chix Chat Club product line from doggie clothes to t-shirts to mouse pads to mugs. And it’s all there. And if you go to StephanieHuffman.org, you’ll find everything. But if the girls are online, please visit us at Chix Chat Club, and ask to be a member on Facebook. We’re on Twitter. Twitter.com/ChixChatClub. Email me – info@chixchatclub.com.

Phil Waldrep: And spell that for us because I think it has an unusual spin on it.

Stephanie Huffman: It does. It’s not the little chick – like a chicken and a hen. It is Chix Chat Club.

Phil Waldrep: And they can get that – it’s by invitation only.

Stephanie Huffman: Invitation only, yeah.

Phil Waldrep: And they can let you know about that.

Stephanie Huffman: Yeah.

Phil Waldrep: Well I want us to move now from kind of talking about singles and the fact that they are a part of our community and part of the Christian community. And let’s kind of move that to a little bit to personal matters. And the first one I want to deal with is the single in the church. So much of what we do in church life is really designed for the traditional family. Traditional meaning husband, wife and kids.

So we have children’s programs. We have youth programs. In addition to that, we have so much for married couples. And sometimes when singles go to churches, and particularly those churches that are not extremely large, they feel a little bit out of place.

Now I want to address that two ways. First from the sight of the single going to church. Tell us how it feels and what really does a single encounter when they go to church and how they process that. And then I want you to address the opposite side of what can people who are members of the church who may be happily married, what can they do to help that single feel comfortable and a part of the community that we call the church?

Stephanie Huffman: I’m so glad you asked. I was sharing earlier that there was one church I was at that wanted to start a singles community. And the guy that was helping out the girl that wanted to start it was in the room with a bunch of 40 never been married single gals. And he goes, “Hey. I get it. I mean, come on. I was single. I didn’t get married until I was like 25.” Well he was fortunate he didn’t get stoned. He did live to tell. But it was one of those moments where you go, “They just don’t get it. They want to.”

Let me speak to those married folks in the church. Do not feel bad that this is happening. You are not responsible for the cultural divide. There is a subculture of singles and there’s a subculture of married. And we are seeing a change, a shift, as you and I are talking about these statistics. But Sunday – back to Sunday like you said – is the loneliest day of the week for most singles. Think about it.

A husband and wife goes to church, gets the kids, they go out to lunch with another family. What does the single person do? And you’re sitting in church and you’re always behind that husband who’s rubbing his wife’s arm. And you’re like, “Oh, I always nail this guy. I’m always behind this guy.” Or you’ve got these kids and they’re kind of necking. Or you’ve got the old couple, he’s got his arm around her.

And you think, “Okay, this is not good.” It reminds you of everything you don’t have. And I would like to speak to people – if you invite a single to join you, sometimes don’t be surprised if they don’t accept the invitation. And here’s why. Sometimes that moment is not a good moment for them because being with you or that environment will remind them of everything they don’t have. And they’re just not able to deal with it that day.

Catch them on another day, invite them again. Don’t make them feel guilty for turning down your invitation. And don’t take it personal. Remember you have everything they want and that can be hard. Another thing is start a singles environment some way somehow. Or call it a community for the people that are single in your church and give them a line item.

You would not believe. There are so few churches in America with a singles group that has a line item. Give them a little bit of budget. Treat them like a real entity. And I would even carve out maybe a pew or two or a section in your church where you let them know that’s your section. And it’s an unspoken and you just let them know, all singles, you are welcome to meet each other and sit together because it’s a lot better than sitting behind that guy rubbing his wife’s shoulder through the service.

Phil Waldrep: Do you think one of the reasons why churches are reluctant to do singles ministry is because they can’t get a handle on singles ministry? I think in my own experience, I’ve heard pastors say, “Well there’s the one who’s never been married. There’s one who’s divorced. And there’s one who is a widow – a widower in our church.”

Stephanie Huffman: That’s right.

Phil Waldrep: And the needs of those individuals differ.

Stephanie Huffman: Yes.

Phil Waldrep: Because the divorcee in particular may have young children. And at the same time, there’s a difference in age because when you say singles it could be anywhere from 25 to 95.

Stephanie Huffman: That’s right.

Phil Waldrep: Do you encourage churches to maybe address the single issues on a higher level? To have programs just for never married, to have programs for just those who maybe are single moms. Is that a healthy thing or is it unhealthy?

Stephanie Huffman: That’s a great question. And I think churches are beginning to actually look at that. Now I will be honest with you. In a perfect world, yes. However, if you’re single at least knowing that there is a singles community that invites you and has events or a leader working to at least encourage you to have a place that you can call your own at the church is a beautiful thing.

Now I will tell you, singles leaders are jumping into a very mixed bag and you hit the nail on the head. You are going to have people who are widows. You are going to have people that are separated. You are going to have people that are divorced. You are going to have people that have never been married. And then you’re going to have people who are dealing with same sex attraction and don’t want to talk about it or are afraid to.

You really open a mixed bag. But the point is you can’t go wrong if you start. If you just let them know A) I acknowledge you, B) I’m not going to treat you like there’s something wrong with you, C) I just want you to know I love you, I’m going to give you a home here and let’s work through this together. Let’s just work through this together.

And don’t be alarmed or offended when you start to see the parting of the group. They will sort of find their own group within the group. The 20-somethings do not want to hang out with the 40-somethings even though the 40-something guys usually like the 20-something girls. The girls see him as a father figure, not a date. So you do have a lot of issues going on.

But if you start, what a beautiful ministry your church is saying to the world. Hey, we acknowledge there’s a lot of singles these days. We’re hip. We get it. We’re trying to be relevant in our community, so come on.

Phil Waldrep: Do you think a married couple can effectively lead a singles ministry?

Stephanie Huffman: I do. I really do. The people that are heading up one particular singles group that I know of in Detroit, there is a fabulous singles community at Ward Evangelical Presbyterian in Detroit. And the older – now get me here – the older singles group on a Sunday morning – the older singles group, 45 and up, has 225 in Sunday School.

Phil Waldrep: That’s amazing.

Stephanie Huffman: It’s amazing. They have three singles groups. 20-somethings, 30- somethings and 45 and up. And I’ve spoken to them. I do speaking and enjoyed my time with them. And he is married, the leader.

Phil Waldrep: Do you encourage married women when they have something that’s just for women, that’s not a couples event, to include single women?

Stephanie Huffman: Oh yes.

Phil Waldrep: And do you find it encouraging when they consciously make the decision not to talk about family life but common subjects where you have something in common? Whether it’s work or career or just clothes or whatever the case may be? Something in common to where they feel a part. Is that healthy?

Stephanie Huffman: It’s very healthy. Let me tell you, it is amazing. I’ve been around married women who tell me how wonderful their husband is or how hot he is or how wonderful it was that they snuggled on the couch. Probably avoid those conversations if you can around a single female. She probably doesn’t need to hear that. If you’re talking about your romantic getaway and how he bought you flowers and brought them home, sometimes you might not want to make that the topic of conversation with your single gal pals.

And I’ll tell you, too. One of the reasons for the Chix Chat Club – if I come home from working all day as a single female, I come home to a dark, empty house. Okay? So I probably pick up the phone and call someone to talk. Because I need to talk about my day. Unfortunately, a lot of single gals call that married woman who is trying to get dinner on, trying to get the kids’ homework done, trying to get them bathed and into bed, trying to spend time with her husband.

And that can cause tension in that relationship. The married gal feels awkward because she knows her single friend needs her. But that single friend needs to realize that is not best for that relationship. And what she needs to do is develop a singles community of her own that she can call when she’s down, when she needs to talk, go for coffee. Meet a single gal for dinner after work and download. You know what I mean?

Phil Waldrep: Sure. On personal matters, we talked a little bit about how you feel when you go to church. But some other areas that are really difficult for singles – and maybe you can just talk to those that are listening who are singles, for example holidays are a very difficult time for singles.

Stephanie Huffman: Yep, they are.

Phil Waldrep: How do you work through those holidays that particularly are family oriented holidays?

Stephanie Huffman: I’ll tell you, my family keeps hoping I’ll bring home a man and I just keep bringing back the dog. And they’re getting used to it and it’s okay. Judge is his name. He’s a black lab. He’s out in the car as we speak. He goes everywhere with me. And I have an entire chapter on pets. And it’s called “When Your Pets Are Your Kids.”

For a lot of single gals, our pets are our kids because we don’t have physical children. And I have to tell you, there are some really great stories and great photos at the Chix Chat Club. I had one girl who sent me a photo over the holidays. She was reading my book and on the floor of the plane was her dog in a carry-on bag. And she’s like, “This is good. Life is good.”

But our pets are a huge part of our life. My aunt gives me a Christmas ornament every year for my dog. And he now has his own tree. See, some people get it. Other people would go, “That is bizarre.” But it’s funny. And girls know they can laugh about it. And that’s why I have little doggie clothes in the Chix Chat Club store. Because I get it. I know it’s funny.

And I have this whole scenario I go through in the book in that chapter where I was with some friends and I noticed something on the mantel. Well, it was their dog – the ashes of the dog. And I thought, “That’s a great idea.” And then another girlfriend told me about a church. This is a ministry, let me tell you – this sounds funny. But to a single gal who loses that part of her life that’s been with her for sometimes 12 to 17 years, that’s a huge, huge loss when a single gal goes through the loss of a pet.

A church started an impromptu – I don’t know if that’s the correct word – but a little cemetery for pets on the fringes of their property. And I thought, “How sensitive. How thoughtful.” They were trying to reach out. And I thought, “Well that’s where Judge is going.”

Phil Waldrep: That’s a great idea.

Stephanie Huffman: Holy Grail.

Phil Waldrep: Well we’ve talked about singles. And I know what everyone is thinking. You’ve alluded several times to your own life. I think people would be interested – and I’m interested as well – to your story. Just about your life. You’ve had a wonderful career, but yet you’ve also had some detours and you’ve had some heartaches.

You’ve had joys and you’ve had sorrows as well. And your life certainly is like most people. It’s not perfect. So why don’t you kind of tell us your story a little bit of your life and your journey as a single. And some of those unusual experiences.

And as you do that, it’ll be encouraging I know to singles who are listening. It will also be encouraging to some of us who are married to be a little sensitive in some areas to people. Maybe we forget the challenges that singles have. So share with us your story.

Stephanie Huffman: Well, I think it’s great that you brought up the holidays. For example, one story I meant to mention – I had a girl come to me and say, “My aunt still makes me sit at the kids’ table because I don’t have a spouse.” That’s rough. She’s in her 30s. I mean sometimes the family just doesn’t know what to do with you. And it’s an awkward thing.

And I have a chapter on holidays in my book, and it’s pretty hilarious. I invited myself on my cousin’s family ski trip, which was pretty funny. But we had a great time. They allowed me to come along. And you can integrate with your family, but you have to do it sensitively and you have to develop those relationships before you just land on their doorstep and say, “Hey, let’s go skiing.”

In my personal life, I am very blessed. I have girls who come to me and say, “Every time I walk through the door, I’ve got my mom saying ‘Aren’t you going to give me grandkids?’ Or Aunt Martha saying ‘Well, when are you going to get married?’ Or Cousin Bob saying, ‘Well, are you gay?’”

You go through all this stuff. I am really fortunate, Phil. My family has never done that. And they’ve never made me feel pressured to go down a path just to get a ring or just to be married or just to have children. They really knew that my life was pointed in a direction. And they trusted that to the Lord.

I can honestly tell you that isn’t the case for a lot of singles. And my heart grieves for them. One story I like to tell is one particular year of my life, I walked out of a conference room. I was in a corporate job. Single gal, owning a home, got the dog, got the car. Busy girl. And phone rings – came out of the conference room, I had been in there all day.

It says, “Stephanie, your 94 year old grandfather came downstairs today.” He was in a senior community in California and I was in Tennessee. And she said, “He asked us to call 911. He is in the hospital. And it is pneumonia.” I thought, “Uh oh. This is it.”

Now long story short, my family situation was that I was the only person available to care for him and here’s why. He had nursed his wife who had Alzheimer’s for ten years and she passed away. My grandparents outlived all of their children, one of them being my father. My father died at the age of 36. I was eight years old.

So I was the only person – this single female working a corporate job 2000 miles away – to care for him. So you think, “What do I do with my life? My house? My car? My job?” Didn’t matter, time to go. You wrap up what you can and you get on a plane and go.

So I have an entire section in the book that talks about that time of my life. Long story short, I did care for him. Criss-crossed the country on behalf of my corporate job while doing it. He did pass away. I had to take over all of his accounts, sell his car, close out his apartment. I even did the funeral. You’re there alone going through all his personal effects, making decisions completely alone.

It never dawns on you that you’re going to go through this. Then I was back to criss-crossing the country on behalf of my job only to find out I had been laid off. When I got back up on my feet, I took a week off. And while I was finally away to relax, a tree fell on my house. So I spent the vacation putting my house back together. When I got back, I found there were squirrels in my house chasing me and my dog.

So it was sort of a comedy of errors that year. And I could go on and on because that was not all that happened. It was a crazy year. But as a single female, there – excuse me – is no one there for you. You’re it. You decide what suit you’re going to bury your grandfather in. You decide if the ring stays or goes with him. You decide what gets said and what doesn’t. You’re the one that goes and puts the house back together over the phone alone with not even knowing what the damage looks like.

You’re just guessing. And you’re working with contractors and you’re the one that says, “I don’t have a paycheck. Where do I start?” So the single gal has a lot on her plate. And in this book, I try to share my story. And the point being, I survived. And if I can survive, you can too.

Phil Waldrep: Is it good for friends, whether they’re single or whether they are married couples – when you see someone going through a crisis like that, to come along beside you and say, “What can I do to help?”

Stephanie Huffman: Oh my word. I am so glad you brought this up because I would not want to pass on this interview. I could not have gotten through that year without my Chix Chat Club. My girls in my circle of friends were all single, never been married. And they saved my life.

They took care of my dog. When I had to ship home boxes from California of my grandfather’s things, they were there to take them in. They checked on the house. They picked me up at the airport. They drove me when I needed to go somewhere. They called me. They emailed me. They were there for me. I never could have made it without those girls.

Phil Waldrep: So it was a ministry in ___ that you can have to others to do that.

Stephanie Huffman: Amazing.

Phil Waldrep: You found yourself without a job.

Stephanie Huffman: I did.

Phil Waldrep: And sometimes singles reach a point as happens to even married people where maybe at a stage in their life, they have to reevaluate their life. What are now my goals? What are my dreams? You obviously were at that stage. How did you as a single lady walk through that stage and get onto the next chapter in your life?

Stephanie Huffman: Well, this is a great story because you describe it perfectly. You’re on this carousel and it’s spinning out of control. And no one’s at the controls. And you think, okay, I gotta get off. But I don’t know when and I don’t know how. And I don’t even know if I really want to.

But you know you have to get off. And I remember the day standing in my kitchen where I just got a jump. And I said, “Lord, whatever happens, I gotta get off this carousel and you gotta help me.” Over the next few weeks during that time, the Lord sort of gave me – no, the Heavens did not part and Jesus did not come down and stand in my kitchen.

But you know what I’m saying, Phil. Sometimes things just come to you and you know it’s a gift from the Lord. The Lord gave me this tool. And if you take a piece of paper and make a cross, you’ve got four sections. And I’ll leave that there because I do it in the book. It’s called the grid. And I started placing everything on that grid.

And what it was was it was showing me where my time, where my energy and where my resources were going at that time. Right then at that point it was the couch, my coffee cup and my laptop. And life was pretty good but I knew it couldn’t stay that way. So then I looked at where do my time, my energy and my resources need to go? And I worked through that grid.

And then two other exercises came behind that. And slowly but surely, it gave me the impetus or the catalyst to take those baby steps. And I at least had a plan, whereas before it was just the carousel was spinning. Now I had a little bit of a plan. And I’ll tell you, on that grid in one section was my book.

I had started it in February ’07. It was now more than a year later, and that book had not gone anywhere. And I buckled down and I said, “You know what? I’m supposed to finish that book.” And I knew in my heart before the layoff came, the Lord had said, “If you get laid off, you gotta finish that book.” And I was like, “Don’t lay me off. Don’t lay me off. I wanna finish the book.”

But when I got laid off, I thought, “Well, I know the next step.” After the chaos settled and finishing up with grandparents things. So it was a wonderful thing and it’s in the book. And I speak on it as well.

Phil Waldrep: Did you find that gave you a little bit better handle on life and gave you a little bit better perspective to deal with some of the challenges that came because you were single?

Stephanie Huffman: Oh my word, yes. Because it made me see – I have a section in there where you have to put down your goals, your visions, your passions and your dreams. And then you have to list where all your time and money is now going. If your goals and your passions and your visions and your dreams aren’t happening, there’s a reason. It’s because all your time, energy and resources is going over here. Not in the direction.

And I talk about Michael Phelps when I give this talk. I actually speak on this and do some consulting on the grid now, which is kind of funny. Michael Phelps won eight gold medals in Beijing. We witnessed that beautiful piece of history. But what people forget – in order for Michael Phelps to go for that gold, he had to align himself with an eight gold medal minded coach and an eight gold medal built facility and an eight gold medal minded team.

He had to literally leave the coach who had poured time, energy and resources into him. He switched coaches. He left his hometown – I think it was Baltimore – and moved to a premier facility. They arranged a team around him that they strategically could maneuver to get those eight gold medals. You and I in our life need to begin aligning ourselves like Michael did with the people, the places and the things that will get us to our gold.

Phil Waldrep: That is a very good illustration. Very good.

Stephanie Huffman: And it’s working. I’m watching girls go through this. And I’ve even done it with men. I’ve done it with CEOs. I’ve done it with housewives. I’ve done it with 501C3s. And it is a beautiful tool. And believe me, that shows you it’s from the Lord because I did not come up with it.

Phil Waldrep: And do you find we do our best work when it matches our passions?

Stephanie Huffman: Yes, because we’re designed that way. Don’t you think?

Phil Waldrep: Oh, absolutely. Absolutely.

Stephanie Huffman: And we should be living out our design, right?

Phil Waldrep: Absolutely to do that. Well, one thing I want to know is as singles get to the older days of their life – and I know many wonderful men and women who have never married who are now in their senior years. And would you just kind of address that? Because sometimes when we think of singles, we think the 20s and the 40 year olds. But there’s a lot of people who are 60 and 70. And I hate to say this on the air, but when I was a child we called them old maids.

Stephanie Huffman: The spinster.

Phil Waldrep: The spinster, the old maids.

Stephanie Huffman: That’s me.

Phil Waldrep: And fortunately, that’s not quite used as much today in our culture, which is probably a wonderful thing. But kind of talk about the years ahead for the single, and particularly to those older singles that may be listening.

Stephanie Huffman: I would love to. I’m going to do that in two parts if it’s okay with you. The first part, I would like to point out some spinsters of our day. One of them being Condoleezza Rice – 55, never been married, no children. I’d say she turned out pretty good.

Phil Waldrep: I agree.

Stephanie Huffman: But I bet you it wasn’t her plan. I bet it never dawned on her she would grow up and get single. She planned to grow up and get married. I bet you money. Queen Elizabeth I – she was never married. And it probably never occurred to her growing up as a little girl she would never marry.

But because her talents were poured into the country of England, because of her being at that place at that time, she took out the Spanish Armada. Spain was moving into what is present day America. They were ahead. Had it not been for Elizabeth, we may have been a Spanish speaking country.

So there are things that God can do. Condoleezza Rice – Secretary of State. It is amazing what God can do with these individuals that we look at like, “What happened to them?” Sometimes it is a design. Sometimes it is a plan – whether they wanted it or not, they’re in the plan.

Number two – I love to joke that I’m going to be that old lady who has 19 cats eating dog food who’s crazy. That everyone goes, “Oh yeah, that’s the lady that never married.” That’s your fear when you’re single. I’m not going to kid you. Our fear is that we’re going to grow up and be that person.

And you think, “Oh Lord, save me from that scenario.” And you just have to trust if I got this far. And I’d like to point out two things. I consider myself a third generation single, and here’s why. My grandmother married a guy that looked like Ronald Reagan. Played the trumpet, they were happy. Both loved the Lord.

And they witnessed to what they used to call – and this is her words – the bums down on skid row in Los Angeles. Now we can’t say that these days. But the down and out in Los Angeles. They would minister to them. He ended up with a little problem with alcohol and would take the paycheck on Friday and not come back ‘til Monday.

And she had two little girls to feed. She had a decision to make. She had to ask him to leave. He left her with nine months back rent. She had to appear before the board of men at her apartment building and plead for the right to stay to pay off the nine months back rent. She never remarried. She is 92 and she’s my ___.

Her daughter – her first born, not her second born, her first born is my mother. My mother at 33 woke up to find herself a widow. She never planned that. My mother never remarried. She’s 70. I have not yet married. And I’m in my 40s. I am a third generation single.

Those women never remarried, but let me tell you something. When I look at the hand of God in protecting them, defending them, providing for them, that is when I have to sit back and go, and you’re worried about the future? Are you kidding me? Stephanie, you have two generations ahead of you where God has been nothing but Jehovah-jireh. And so it would be ill of me to panic. But it’s there. And we have to find it.

Phil Waldrep: That’s good hope. One of the things years ago I heard a gentleman make the remark that there’s something wrong with every single. And a gentleman who was single looked at him and said, “What was wrong with our Lord? Jesus was single.”

Stephanie Huffman: Wow. I’ve never heard that. Wow.

Phil Waldrep: And it puts a whole new perspective ‘cause we don’t think of that.

Stephanie Huffman: No.

Phil Waldrep: But Jesus lived His life as a single because that was God’s will for His life obviously. It’s evidenced that many of His Disciples were singles. And when you go through church history, some of those that God has used the most were people that committed their life to being single. Some of them were called to be single. And then if you read some of their stories, some of them were single not by choice yet God still used them.

And I share that as we conclude because I believe that God can use singles or married. It’s all our willingness to place our life in His hands to be submitted to His Lordship. If you have the opportunity in closing to just take one or two minutes to talk to every single person who’s listening, what would you say to them to just encourage their hearts?

Stephanie Huffman: Well, first of all, thank you for this opportunity ‘cause that’s exactly what I want to do, Phil. And you’ve been so gracious in understanding the subculture today. So thank you from the bottom of my heart. To every single person out there, hear me.

You are not alone. You are part of an up and coming demographic in this company. And people may not know what to do with us yet. But if you can find each other and hang in there together and keep your eyes in service to the Lord in the process, we’re going to make it.

Phil Waldrep: Well that’s encouraging. Thank you so much, Stephanie, for coming and sharing with us. The title of the book is When You Grow Up and Get Single: Surviving and Thriving as a Party of One in a Table for Two Sized World. Thank you so much for being with us.

Stephanie Huffman: Thank you.